Thinking of going to Anston Parish Council to argue your point? Worried about being arrested, dragged out and spending some time at her majesty’s pleasure?

Then be sure to take our patented Anston Parish Council survival kit, this fine mask which will offer you perfect camouflage when the time comes to pose your sticky question. Simply cut around the dotted line with scissors (if you’re from Thurcroft just bite, or if you live in the Old Village or on The Green just get your butler to do it)

Simply affix to your face using a piece of string attached to points A and B and you will find that when the moment of conflict comes Comrade Chairman will have no option but to report HIMSELF to the police, you will be perfectly safe, just remember to remove the mask BEFORE they kick the door down.

Job done, say no more.